Little Things II

After last week’s article, I thought it only fair to give the US equal time before getting back to our regularly scheduled posts.

I must confess that most of my writings over these past few years have favored the UK. Having arrived in a shiny, new country, it’s easy to spot all the things that are better than what you left behind and, as the UK was sort of like a foster child, it was prudent to behave as if I loved it best. Now that the foster child has been officially adopted (a more apt analogy of my taking up citizenship here might be the marrying a long-time mistress, but that would make me a Mormon) I can safely point out that, in addition to being seen by many as a big, mean ogre run by a war-mongering lunatic, the US has many fine qualities.

So here is a list of some of the little things I no longer see, hear or experience during my daily routine due to my emigration from America, and which, if I still had them, would make my life here just a little bit better:

     - Boston Market: God’s perfect food. 

     - Chipmunks: Smaller, cuter and less obnoxious than the ubiquitous 
       grey squirrel.

     - Thunderstorms: No, I mean real thunderstorms, with torrential rain, 
       hail the size of marbles and cracks of lightening so close by you can 
       smell the ozone.

     - Rueben sandwiches: Granted, I had to go to NYC for a good one, but 
       since no one’s heard of them here, I still have to go to NYC to get one.

     - Monarch Butterflies: No milkweed equals no monarch caterpillars 
       equals an island bereft of these beautiful creatures.

     - Manned Space Flight: Where do all your astronauts live? Oh, sorry, 
       I forgot; you don’t have any. (I had to be careful with the wording here 
       because there actually is a British Space Agency, but it is EU-based, 
       its budget is less than 3% of NASA's and they don't send up people.)

     - Cheap Cigars: £12 ($24) for a Vegas Robaina! I want to smoke it, not 
       frame it.

     - Humming Birds: The only bird that can hover and fly backwards and 
       the British don’t have any.

     - All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet: Sure, there’s a Chinese Take-Away 
       on every corner (right next to the Kebab shop) but it doesn’t compare 
       to sitting down to a plate piled high with a dozen or so personally 
       selected Chinese/American delicacies and then going back for more.

     - The Weather Channel: It remains a mystery how a nation so obsessed 
       with weather has failed to provide a 24-hour weather channel.

     - Pencil Sharpeners: Every time I mention this, I am assured by those 
       around me that the United Kingdom is teeming with all manner of pencil
       sharpeners, but I have yet to see one; maybe the badgers have them 
       all. I recently asked a co-worker if we had any pencil sharpeners in the 
       office and he replied, “No; when a pencil gets dull I just thrown it away.” 
       I’m still not sure if he was joking. (NOTE: This situation is sure to turn 
       around soon as my wife, upon reading this, remarked she now knows 
       what to get me for Christmas.)

     - The Big Gulp: Like the revolver in your night stand, you know you’re 
       never likely to need it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there if you do.

     - My Balcony: In the US, my balcony comfortably held a small storage 
       unit, my bicycle, a barbecue, a round picnic table with four chairs and 
       a chaise longue; in the UK it holds a folding chair.

     - Front Porches: Granted, the place I lived in when I left the States did not 
       have a porch, but I had lived in places that had them and hoped to again.
       The front porch is an American Icon, and there is nothing quite like a 
       porch for lounging on during hot afternoons in the company of good 
       friends and a case of ice cold beer.

     - Koozies: Sort of a foam rubber condom for a beer bottle to keep your 
       beer cold. They aren't needed in the UK but I was never without one in 
       the States.

     - Parking: In the US, when I drove somewhere, anywhere, there was 
       always a place to put my car once I arrived. Mostly for free.

     - A Decent Bagel: Reputedly, there are (or were) good bagels in north 
       London, but that has yet to be proven. Good bagels in the US used 
       to be limited to NYC but thanks to the seasonal influx of JAPs to the
       SUNY-Albany campus, NYC bagels eventually became commonplace 
       in Upstate NY. The ones they sell in Waitrose are crap.

     - Doorknobs: They have latches and handles here, but no doorknobs. No 
       one knows why.

     - 110 Current: The plugs they have on the electric wires coming out of 
       your coffee pot, laptop computer, table lamp or what-have-you look like 
       the ones we have in the US for plugging in our electric stoves. Give me 
       a compact, easy to store plug any day.

We have now achieved balance, and both my adopted country and the land of my birth have come away looking fairly attractive, if I do say so myself. And it’s nice to discover that all I really need to be happy is a koozie, a Reuben sandwich and a reasonably-priced cigar.