Odds and Ends

When, for the 100th time this afternoon, I saw a young woman wearing low-slung jeans, halter-top and a surplus stone and a half flopping over her studded, leather belt, two thoughts simultaneously vied for the attention of my residual, active brain cells.

The first was, this is not appropriate weather for such attire and she was likely to catch her death (from the look of her, a chest cold would certainly be fatal); but this is due more to my age than current fashions and is not the subject of this entry's discussion.

The other thought was, I first noticed this phenomenon back in 2003, and even wrote it down in my idea file (a rambling document I tote around with me containing helpful observations such as "Americans don't like the mention of masturbation, probably because it's such an ugly word; but in the UK it's referred to as 'wanking,' which has a friendlier, more approachable sound," or the enigmatic "Public Toilets").  Unfortunately, I never got around to using it in an article, and now it has become so universally acknowledged they even have a name for it – 'Muffin Top.'

So, in an effort to keep my remaining observational nuggets from going stale (or becoming obsolete, as in "Thongs, what do you do when they ride up your butt?" now that thongs are, like, so last year) I thought I'd better roll them out now while I still have the opportunity.

 -- Do you know they have no Girl Scout Cookies here?  They have Girl Scouts but, having worked in the same office for four years and not once having a co-worker approach me with the familiar green and white form to guilt me into ordering several overpriced boxes of mediocre confections (HINT: buy the Thin Mints and the S'mors), it occurs to me that the cookie facet of Girl Scouting is simply not part of the British experience, and leads me to wonder how the Girl Scouts obtain their funding (is there that big a market for crocheted pot holders and bottle-cap place mats?).

 -- Also, there are no skating rinks here – ice or otherwise (or, at least, none that I've found).  Last winter, the town erected a temporary ice skating rink and one evening we took a walk to check it out.  It turned out to be a small area covered in a special, hard plastic that enabled a throng of squealing children to bump into each other as they pretended to skate around on it.  Now, I realize the climate doesn't exactly lend itself to authentic ice rinks, but surely the British have mastered the science of refrigeration by now.

 -- Roller rinks I can understand.  Land is scarce here and roller rinks would have to charge £1,500 a head to turn a profit on real estate the council could build three blocks of flats, a parade of shops and an off-license on.  In America, it's not hard to justify covering a hectare of land under a corrugated sheet metal box, paving it with polished maple boards and installing a Wurlitzer organ simply for the pleasure of strapping on a pair of quad speed skates and racing around in circles until you're ready to throw up.

 -- They do have the 'Hokey Pokey' here, but they call it the 'Hokey Cokey' and they do it all wrong.  They get their left hand in, and their left hand out all right, but after that it's a whole different song and unfamiliar dance.  Be aware of this if you're ever invited to a British wedding reception.

 -- Speaking of, they do know the 'Chicken Dance' here, but the law of the land does not actually require it to be played at every wedding reception, as in the US.  The Brits call it 'The Birdie Dance' but beyond that, it is pretty much the same, so when you hear the familiar music, don't be afraid to get up and join the circle.  (Incidentally, the original name of the song was Der Ententanz – The Duck Dance – and it was composed by Werner Thomas, a Swiss accordion player in 1963.)

 -- Japanese beetles and Monarch Butterflies are also among the missing.  I miss the butterflies.

 -- While living in America, I was introduced to Mimosas, a drink first served to me during a brunch at the Gideon Putnam hotel in Saratoga. This was a very elegant affair and the Mimosa, by association, a sophisticated drink.  Here in the UK, a Mimosa – orange juice and champagne – is called Buck's Fizz; it's sold, pre-mixed, for five quid a bottle and is considered rather common.

I suppose I'll end here; I've managed to tick a couple of items off of my idea list and can now concentrate on fresher observations.

By the way, they do have 'Odds and Ends' here, but they call them 'Bits and Bobs.'