Welcome to the USSA

Sorry to be the one to have to break this to you folks back in America, but you’re living in a police state. And I’m not saying that as an exaggeration for comic effect; I’m saying it because it’s true.

Any place where the police have license to break into your possessions or your abode, without benefit of a warrant and without fear of any messy consequences like lawsuits or reprimands, and where they have the power to detain you for any reason or no reason at all, is, my friends, a police state.

I’ve been hearing rumors that America has been tightening the screws on personal freedoms, that was academic to me before my recent visit. Having now been a victim of these tactics, however, it’s all too real.

Basically, entering and moving about in America, in and of itself, makes you a suspected criminal; and you are treated as such. I suppose I brought it upon myself by locking my suitcase for a flight from NYC to Seattle. How was I to know? Last time I visited, it was still a free country where locked luggage was not cause for suspicion. Consequently, my suitcase was broken open and my possessions manhandled. A gift I was bringing my son was ripped open and a box of cigars I had bought for myself was scrutinized. I’ve written an editorial to the papers about this already (hoping to recoup some money for a new suitcase) so I won’t rehash it here. Instead, I’ll highlight some issues I did not address in the editorial.

Most disturbing, to me, is the reason I believe my case was targeted. An x-ray image of a box of cigars does not look like a bazooka, or even a pack of dynamite; it looks like a box of cigars. But you can’t tell from an x-ray if they are Cuban or not. These goons were not looking for terrorists; they were using the Patriot Act to circumvent conventional search and seizure laws. Fortunately, the cigars were Honduran, or I’d probably be enjoying the sunny climes of Cuba right now, only not in a location where I would have access to any good smokes.

Another disturbing fact left out of my essay was the picking and choosing of people for an absurdly invasive search before letting us on the plane. It stopped short of a body cavity search, but just. In my essay, I did not point out that there were two classes of people they elected to ignore: women with babies and fat people.

Why is a woman holding a baby any less likely to be a terrorist? As if they would think twice about using a baby as fatwa fodder. And what’s really in that milk bottle or hiding in the little guy’s diaper?

And fat people? My theory is: the guards were just being lazy. These goons, after all, are merely civil servants (“I was only following orders”) and overweight people have a lot more surface area to pat down. Who needs the extra work? But does al Qaeda have a weight limit? Are there no fat terrorists? And besides, unless you actually pat them down, how do you know they are really fat? That overweight blonde could actually be a skinny bloke wrapped in layers of weapons-grade Reeboks.

The whole charade is ludicrous. No one is any safer because of these tactics. America is spending a whole lot of time, effort and money turning everyday citizens and visitors into criminals in order to provide the appearance of safety when, in fact, none of this will deter any terrorists.

Being in an airport now is a frightening experience. It makes me wish I had a Tourette's Syndrome medic alert bracelet so I could walk around shouting “Fuck you!” with impunity.

That’s enough ranting; I just wanted to get this off my chest so I could write up my American visit without having to mention any of this unpleasantness. The write-up is, I promise, light and breezy, hopefully humorous and 99% airport free.

I’m glad to be safely back in England now, where my belongings can be ransacked by honest thieves instead of government screws under the pretext of protecting me.

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