Morning Thoughts

I'm sitting here in the bus station waiting for the number 17 to Brighton and a thought just occurred to me:

Have you ever noticed that when something changes, it usually makes things worse?

Like when they bulldoze a perfectly picturesque building to construct a metal and concrete monstrosity that is an absolute blight on the landscape? Or when your old, venerable briefcase begins to look just a little too shabby so you go out and buy a new one only to find the little pockets don't hold all your stuff and the file compartments are too small for A4 paper and you have to fold everything in half? Or when the peanut butter you have enjoyed for years is suddenly replaced by a 'new, improved' variety that isn't quite up to par with the 'old, crappy' version?

Yeah, my life is filled with disappointments.

But something happened last week that actually made an improvement; my company consolidated, moving all their employees into the main building where I work.

Now, I don't make a habit of talking about my day job in these pages, and I'm not planning to start, but I believe this is noteworthy enough to make an exception. (Quite incidentally, several of my colleagues, including the CEO, recently told me they peek at these pages from time to time, so let me point out that I work for what is probably the best company in the whole of the United Kingdom; the office is great, I enjoy my job and the people are all swell. Really. Plus there's free tea and coffee.)

Prior to the consolidation, I was always the first person in. This is a very agreeable thing for me, as I love to start the morning off on my own, with a cup of coffee and enough time to gather my thoughts. The only drawback was that I had to disarm the security system when I arrived, which required punching a series of numbers into a keypad while a shrill alarm screamed in my ear, all the while knowing that, if I slipped up and pressed a wrong number, I wouldn't be able to make it stop. Then the police would come, there would be awkward questions, and quite possibly an embarrassing article in the company newsletter.

But now, someone else arrives before I do. I don't know who they are; I never see them. All I know is, when I arrive, the lights are on, the security system is disarmed and I don't need to start my day mentally rehearsing the secrete code for fear my mind will seize up after the first digit. I simply stroll in, walk to my desk, make a cup of coffee and savor the peace and quiet. And I don't even have to exchange morning banalities with anyone.

It is truly the little things that enhance one's quality of life.

Speaking of which, will whoever is answering those bogus e-mails please stop.

I must get twenty-seven notices a week telling me I've won the lottery and another fourteen a day from Minister Otukjy Poteriush, or his widow or son, offering untold wealth in exchange for my bank details. And those are just the ones that get through the server's spam filter and my own kill lists.

These people show no signs of letting up any time soon and that can only mean one thing: one of you out there is answering them. Stop it! Right now! Listen to me: you are not that lucky; no one wins the lottery six times in a row. And no one is going to split half a billion dollars with you, no matter what you send them. They are all frauds. No, really, they are.

While we're at it, here's another bulletin: Bill Gates is not going to pay you for every e-mail you send. It's a trick. To clog up my IN box and make you look like an idiot. Unfortunately, it's a good trick, but only because people like you keep falling for it!

And stop buying all that viagra; if you're that stupid, no one is going to sleep with you anyway.

I'd better sign off now; my bus is arriving. And wouldn't you just know it; it's one of those new models, with the narrow, uncomfortable seats.

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