Living in the Past

Over the past few weeks, I've been questioned by several readers about just where and, more precisely, when my articles are supposed to be taking place. They stopped short of accusing me of making this stuff up, but you could tell that's what they were thinking.

While I admit to a bit of exaggeration for comic effect, I am not, I promise, taking the piss out of the British by maintaining the pretence that England is a backward country. Still, when my proof-reader, as well as the agent who just turned down the opportunity to represent my manuscript, both point out vignettes which might have happened twenty years ago but certainly couldn't be true today, I think a bit of explanation is in order.

There are two situations working against the English (well, three, if you count the fact that, as a comedy writer, I'm always, only going to focus on the silly stuff).

First, many of my impressions of England were written immediately after my arrival, in those heady and wonderful days when everything was exotic and new. To read those articles and come away with the notion that the entire United Kingdom must be as I described it is as logical as believing a preliminary report from a person plunked down in the middle of a Nebraska farmyard conveys the total experience of modern life in the United States. Britain's terrain, population and customs are every bit as diverse as America's (only smaller) and one person could never speak for them all.

Secondly, and sadly, Britain is changing. (I'm not sad that it's changing, I'm sad because it's changing into America.) There are statements I made in my early articles that, due to progress, are no longer true, and the rate of change is only escalating.

Two years ago I wrote of my unrequited yearning for several uniquely American food products that today I can pick up at my local Tesco's. More and more stores are extending their business hours, and now, as in the States, if you suddenly feel the urge for a jar of pickles or a disposable barbeque at three in the morning, you shouldn't have much difficulty locating an open supermarket that sells them.

If you buy a new car, unless you go for the basic economy model, it's likely to come with air conditioning (Air Con, as they say here). Putting air conditioning in businesses or homes is still not as popular as in the States but that's only because, traditionally, it wasn't needed. Now that it's hot here more than two or three days a year, I am, increasingly, finding myself enveloped in cool, artificial air when I step into a shop. Even my office has air conditioning now. (When you think about it, every building on the island might have had central air conditioning installed long before my arrival, but if it never got hot enough to use it, how would I know?)

Dishwashers are prevalent now and American-sized refrigerators are becoming popular (for those who have the space). During the few years I've lived here, literally hundreds of flats and houses have been built or refurbished within a half-mile radius of us, all of them fitted with double-glazed windows and electrical sockets in the bathrooms.  Most will have single-tap sinks and I wouldn't be surprised to find the toilet and bathtub in the same room.

As this becomes the norm, more and more Britons, it seems, are reading my humorous anecdotes and thinking, "Where does this guy live?" Well, I'll tell you: I live in a 2nd floor, walk-up with single glazed windows, double-tap sinks and no plug points in the bathroom.

But that doesn't mean my own, personal Britain isn't changing as well. The quaint and idiosyncratic way of life I championed three years back is gradually being pushed aside and I can't say I'm 100% sorry to see it go; being cold, uncomfortable and inconvenienced is romantic for about three months but after that instant gratification beings to look more and more appealing.

The vintage 1955 storage heaters I puzzled over when I first moved in here finally broke last winter (unfortunately, they built things to last back then). We now have actual heaters that, when you turn them on, they heat up, and, conversely, when you turn them off, they cool down. They even have timers! We're still marvelling over them.

My wife and I both have mobile phones now and we have a modern, cordless phone in the flat. I have access to a company car and am not the dedicated bus commuter I used to be. We have broadband, a clothes dryer and a 24-hour super-store around the corner.

More sweeping changes abound. My very first train ride in England was in an antiquated 'slam-door' rail car. These anachronisms have since been retired in favour of modern carriages and, while the romantic in me is sorry to see them go, I have to admit it's a vast improvement. The juggernaut of modernization has seen many traditional pubs gutted and converted into bar/restaurants, replete with shiny new woodwork, perky, uniformed staff and the type of decor the owners apparently believe American tourists expect when they visit a 'traditional' British pub. Most pubs stay open throughout the afternoons now and, even though eleven o'clock remains the customary closing time, it is no longer the law. Fox hunting is a thing of the past and so, soon, will be going to the local pub for a pint and a smoke (I'm not certain which will make this obsolete first--the banning of smoking or the obliteration of all the pubs).

With all that happening within three short years, it is no wonder my earlier works seem dated; I do not, however, consider them any less valid and certainly not untrue. Perhaps in the distant future (say, ten or twelve years) historians will use them as a guide to what British life was like in 'the old days.'

As for myself, I guess it's time to let go of the past and start facing up to the fact that I live n the 21st century. I'm rather ambivalent about that idea; I don't find it nearly as funny, but at least I can have a Fluffernutter® if I feel like it.

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