Imagine a world where lying does not exist; a world in which everyone, without exception, tells the absolute truth.  Life would be so much simpler and safer, wouldn't it?

Not on your life.

Lying, I'm sure you'll agree, is the flip side of truth and, as such, is just as natural and necessary as the 'tails' side of a coin.  Without lies, the fabric of every government in the world would fray and fall to tatters in a matter of weeks (in our case, perhaps days).

Take, for example, the ongoing fiasco involving President Reagan, the Contras, the Iranians, the Israelis, William Casey, Robert McFarlne, Lt. Col North and Lt. Col North's secretary.  Do you really want to know what they're all hiding?  No, I mean REALLY.  What you're going to end up with is a President who is either A) a blatant liar and borderline criminal, B) the titular head of a very powerful government in which no on has any idea of what anyone else is doing, or C) an amnesia victim.  Take your pick.  Me?  I prefer him as he appears through the smoke screen: merely confused.

But big government wouldn't be the only area to suffer.  The National Enquirer would go out of business; advertising copywriters would have to turn to writing romance novels; unemployment lines would swell with out-of-work used car salesmen, HerbaLife dealers and gypsy driveway sealers; and doctors would see a sharp decline in their income:

PATIENT:  What do I have, doc?

DOCTOR: It's just a mild stomach virus.  You could take some Pepto-Bismol, but instead I'm going to tell you it's a gall bladder attack and insist you allow my to perform a $15,000 operation on you.

The criminal justice system as we know it would cease to exist, forcing the lay-off of judges, stenographers and professional witnesses.  Lawyers, naturally, would be especially hard hit:

JUDGE:  Why are you asking $7.6 million in damages for your client?

LAWYER:  Mostly because I get one third of it, but also because my client, on February 9th of this year, was pricked in the behind by a straight pin that had been negligently left in a pair of Fruit of the Loom briefs he purchased from K-Mart, and since that time he has developed a deep fear of undergarments and compulsively removes his clothing in public to inspect his underwear for stray pins.  This has caused extreme embarrassment to himself and his family as well as loss of income.

JUDGE TO CLIENT:  Is this true?

CLIENT:  No, not at all.

About the only thing lawyers would have going for them would be the sudden and alarming increase in the divorce rate.

On a personal level, raising children would become much more difficult.  Santa and the Easter Bunny aside, there are many times that we lie to our children because the truth simply isn't any good for them (which corresponds nicely with my original point about big government).

A prime example of constructive lying occurred during a recent family reunion after listening to my progressive-minded sister trying to explain to her little Jonathan why his Uncle Ronnie wasn't at the party.  How do you say, "your uncle is a no good philanderer who ran off to Atlantic City with the papergirl and left his wife with nothing but three kids and an old Volvo" in words that a 5-year old can understand?

You can't.

"I'll tell you why Uncle Ronnie isn't here," I told Jonathan, after getting rid of his mother by telling her I had just spotted her husband sneaking into the tool shed with a six-pack of Coors ad Cousin Elizabeth, "he's dead, that's why."

Jonathan's eyes widened.  "How'd he died?"

"He was running with a popsicle stick in his mouth."