The year is 1996. The scene, an operating room in a modern city hospital somewhere in upstate New York.
A team of doctors and Frigidaire repairmen has successfully restored the life of a terminally ill man who has been frozen since 1984.
The surgeons congratulate each other as the patient slowly opens his eyes.
He looks quizzically at the cluster of doctors, the bustling nurses ad the departing freezer technicians.
"Did it work?" he asks.
"Yes Mr. Johnson," the chief surgeon says, "you have been de-iced, your illness has been cured, and after 12 years in animation you can continue on with your life as if nothing ever happened."
"Why that's . . . that's amazing!"
"Can we get you anything, Mr. Johnson?"
"Yes. I could sure use a drink right now."
"I'm sorry, that's out of the question."
"Why, did they reinstate prohibition?'
"Oh no, that would interfere with your individual right to drink. Drinking is not against the law, but the government has decided that alcohol isn't good for you so it is illegal to manufacture, transport, sell, buy, store or possess it."
"But what . . . how . . . ? That's crazy!"
"Certainly not. The government is protecting your rights as an individual-giving you the right to drink, as well as the right to remain healthy."
"Whether I want them to or not? How about a cigarette then, or are they outlawed, too?"
"Of course not. Your individual right to smoke has been well protected.
But you aren't allowed to smoke in hospitals . . ."
"Well, that makes sense."
". . . or restaurants or theatres or offices or cars or on public roadways or in . . ."
"Hey, where can I go to have a cigarette?"
"To any government designated smoking area. The closest one to here is in Erie, PA."
"Erie? I have to drive to Erie just to have a smoke?"
"Any time you want to. Of course, before you'll be allowed to drive you'll be
required--to insure your right to drive in complete safety, of course--to purchase a special safety harness, crash helmet and roll cage, and pass a lie detector test."
"For what?"
"To insure the rights of other people to drive in complete safety. The government simply wants to ask if you ever intend to exceed the speed limit or change lanes without
signaling."
"Then forget the cigarette for now and just bring me something to eat. I could go for a steak and some French fries."
"I'm afraid you won't be able to do that either. You see, the government had to protect the rights of those people who were opposed to the slaughter of innocent animals."
"No meat! Then how about a swordfish steak and a baked potato instead?"
"Sorry. An elderly couple in Billings, Montana began a new religion some years back based on the worship of marine life and . . ."
"Don't tell me. In order to protect their rights the government outlawed fishing."
"Something like that."
"Chicken and dumplings?"
"The Church of Latter Day Poultry Worshipers litigated Frank Perdue out of business back in 1989."
"Spaghetti and meat, ah, veggie balls?"
"You are, no doubt, aware that the ethnicity of pasta and pasta products could be construed by some individuals as insulting and . . ."
"We wouldn't want to infringe on their right to not be offended by my food."
"Exactly. I think you're catching on to the current state of affairs, Mr. Johnson."
"Well that's great. But what can I get to eat around here?"
"Broccoli."
"And?"
"Well, as recently as last April you could have gotten a side order of Brussels sprouts with it, but that was before the Belgian-Americans filed their anti-defamation suit."
"Ah, maybe I'll just go back to my room and watch some television. I hope that hasn't changed too much."
"Not really. The only major change occurred back in the late 1980s when Pat Robertson filed a suit against the commercial television companies claiming that their programming interfered with people's right to not have their intelligence insulted and their morality offended."
"What happened?"
"The networks filed a suit against him claiming he interfered with people's basic right to go to hell in a
hand basket and they simultaneously litigated themselves out of existence; the Supreme Court outlawed evangelists and commercial television."
"So what can I watch?"
"Anything that's not risqué or controversial."
"Like reruns of 'Gilligan's Island' and 'The Brady Bunch'?"
"What! Shows that graphically depict and condone the cohabitation of unmarried persons.
Be serious!"
"I give up. What is on TV?"
"'Nova.' Between the hours of 9:00 and 10:30 AM and 7:00 an 11:00 PM. The government decided anything more than that isn't good for you."
"'Nova?' Just 'Nova?'"
"As long as it isn't about the birth process of whale hunting."
"Boy, I'll bet Carl Sagan is doing well for himself. He must be the only person in the free world the networks can find to host the shows."
"I'm afraid the Flat Earth Society outlawed Mr. Sagan back in 1991. The Supreme Court agreed that he was interfering with their individual right to remain ignorant."
"Have movies been outlawed as well?"
"Not at all. And you can apply for your viewer's permit first thing tomorrow morning."
"Never mind. Maybe I'll just read a book and go to bed."
"Ah, . . . what sort of book did you have in mind?"
"Oh no, not that, too!"
"Mr. Johnson, the government is trying very hard to preserve your individual right to not have your mind bombarded by smut, derogatory remarks and racial propaganda."
"Then I shouldn't have a problem. I generally enjoy books by Stephen King, John Irving, Garrison Keillor or Mark Twain."
"Those were the books I was talking about."
"Okay, okay, let's forget about relaxing. Just let me out of here so I can go out, get a job, settle down and raise a family."
"Certainly. You can apply to take your Proper Career Examination at the same office where you pick up your Intention of Marriage application and your First Child Permit forms."
"I've had enough of this! Put me back in the deep freeze and have someone thaw me out when everybody comes to their senses."
"I'm afraid I can't allow that, Mr. Johnson. The freezing of human beings was discontinued in 1993 after it was brought to the attention of the Supreme Court that the practice offended Mr. And Mrs. Steinhalpher of Davenport, Iowa."
"But you gotta do something, Doc! I don't think I can live with all these restrictions."
"Restrictions? You have it all wrong, Mr. Johnson. This is a period of great individual freedom.
The government has assured you of the right to not be employed in a job not suited for you, the right to not marry and have children if you're deemed not emotionally and financially stable enough, the right to drive, walk, live, eat, read and watch television in perfect, unoffended safety.
Never before have people enjoyed so many rights."
